#and also got a lil long so SORRY sdkfjakdjfakja

[ritiual]

he recognizes, in his own way, that joel miller died right alongside sarah— buried in the grave that she rests in. he's no longer the husband and father he once was. the smile that would rest across his face on a sunday morning, the scent of pancakes breezing throughout their kitchen, has been replaced with a permanent stoic expression, depicting fire and ice combined— a force to not be reckoned with. [once a father / husband has nothing left to live for, they crumble like the rot around them.] there's an ache in his heart, a resemblance to a world that no longer exists. there's not enough time to grieve, nor spare tears about the past. [if there was, perhaps he could have taken advantage of it.] instead, all they're offered as survivors of cruelty is more grief to swallow.

taking a step towards the chair, a hand moves to his wife's shoulder— an attempt of comfort, a side of empathy he lacks in the common day. it's an odd sensation, one that feels right in every sense, but also a state of vulnerability he hasn't dared express in decades. “there ain't nothin' we could've done, kari. they gunned her down— hell, they would've shot me too if tommy hadn't saved my ass.” there's a hidden truth in this world, residing beneath the moss and greenery that's consumed their life: there was nothing pretty left about it. all it does is take and never returns in its honor. it's all bullshit— everything about it. [if god exists, he has a funny way of expressing his love.] fingers running themselves across his wife's shoulder, his eyes meet hers, a love inside them only shared between husband and wife.

“that night— if i had the chance, i'd do it all over again. i've lived with that guilt for twenty fuckin' years. i miss her every single day.”

𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐎𝐍 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐉𝐎𝐄𝐋 & 𝐒𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐇 , of holding them in her arms once again. to look upon his face , no matter how weathered , & tell him she never gave up trying to find them. the drive for finding them had been strongest in the beginning , yet as time wore on her mind tried to convince her they were likely dead. heart refused to even consider it. twenty years of surviving , of searching , had left her to the boston zone where she happened to run into exactly she was looking for ! kari couldn’t resist throwing her arms around him at first , of remembering her mind of what it felt like to have him so close. it was only when joel spoke of needing to talk, how grave he sounded , did kari know something was wrong. ( it was a sinking feeling in her gut. a heaviness , a sense of hesitation. whatever it was she knew she didn’t want to hear it even before he spoke it a loud. even then, it didn’t feel real. ) ; eyes fixate on him as he explains , heart nearly stopping inside her chest. a wordless shock. body sits in a chair lest they give out on themselves—tears burn the back of her eyes, spilling out onto her cheeks while shaking hand covers her mouth. ❛ oh my . . oh my god. ❜ spoken through hot tears , through gasping breathe , through an unbelievable ache that has taken root inside of her heart. not her baby. not sarah, not their baby. ❛ i should’ve — i should’ve been there ! we could’ve- . . god damn it ! ❜ hands cover her face as she cries. as if to hide.